Умная Британия. Ответы на экзаменах.

[ecasolo]

Это прекрасно! Это мой любимый.

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Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

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Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Funny Exam Answers
Explanations:
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics (hieroglyphics). They lived in the Sarah Dessert (Sahara Desert) and traveled by Camelot (camel). The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere (if they live elsewhere, how can they be inhabitants?). Back

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures (characters). In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis (Genesis), Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?" (these are very strange versions of the biblical stories of Adam and Eve and Cain and Abel!) Note: not all the grammatical/spelling errors have been corrected - only brief explanation of why they are funny or strange have been provided.

4. Solomom (should be "Solomon") had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines (concubines).

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name (if he had that name then he was Homer, wasn't he?).

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock (hemlock). After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. (after his death, he was dead!)

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits (hurled discusses), and threw the java (javelin).

10. Julius Caesar extinguished (distinguished) himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him (He was murdered on the Ides of March) because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus (“It is thee [you]”)."

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak (burnt at the stake) and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw (“canonized” should be “canonised” - Bernard Shaw wrote a play called Saint Joan. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Pope Pius X). Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense ("Offense" should be "offence" - usually, being hanged once is quite enough!).

13. In midevil (medieval) times most people were alliterate (illiterate). The greatest writer of the futile (middle) ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature (aren't poems and verses literature?).

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head (it was the apple that was on his son's head when William shot it!).

15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah." (To 'expose yourself' means to show your naked body! No wonder her troops all shouted "hurrah"!)

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible (Gutenberg printed the bible, which had been 'invented' long before!). Another important invention was the circulation of blood (Nobody invented that except, perhaps, for God!). Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking (He popularized tobacco). And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper (Sir Francis Drake circumnavigated the world in a 100 foot clipper!)

19. During the Renaissance America began (the place had actually been there for a long time by then!). Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing (cruising) about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe (Robert Scott points out that Columbus' third ship was the Santa Maria. The Contract of Santa Fe confirmed his payment for the voyages by the Spanish crown.)

25. Gravity was invented (discovered) by Issac Walton (Newton). It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees (this refers to the story about Newton discovering gravity when an apple fell on his head).

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music (Although this statement may sound strange, our user Robert Scott has pointed out that “The statement that (in later life) Beethoven wrote music to be played loud (and thumped it out on his piano as he wrote it) because he could no longer appreciate the beauty of quiet passages, is generally held to be true.”). He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him (presumably because he couldn't hear them!). Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this (Beethoven expired/died in 1827).

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened (that's not possible!) and catapulted into Napoleon (that must have hurt!). Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness (Josephine was barren), she couldn't have any children.

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West (they said that the sun never set on the British Empire because it was so big that when it was night in, say, London, it was day time in, say, Sydney, Australia).

30. Queen Victoria was the longest (reigning) queen. She sat on a thorn (throne) for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign (hard for her reign to continue after her death!).

32. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ (Origin) of the Species. Madman (Madam) Curie discovered radio (radium). And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers (Karl Marx was the co-author of the Communist Manifesto and died in 1883. The Marx brothers were a famous comedy team who made many movies between 1929 and 1949)

Funny Science Exam Answers
# When you breath, you inspire. When you don't breath, you expire.
# The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
For head colds, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.
The moon is a planet just like Earth, only deader.
Artificial insemination is what the farmer does to the cow instead of the bull.
Dew is formed on leaves when sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Equator: A managerie lion running around Earth through Africa.
To remove dust from your eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Momentum. What you give a person when they are going away.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland, because it is not found in a free state.
Magnet: Something you can find crawling over a dead cat.
H20 is hot water. CO2 is cold water.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Respiration is composed of inspiration and then expectoration.
For a nosebleed: Put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops.
To prevent contraception use a condominium.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

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